Where do you land on this; the idea that there are some things you simply cannot leave unvoiced. That there are words and phrases and paragraphs of thoughts and feelings that need to be said?
Be it to another, to your God, or to yourself, how do you approach giving voice to what might remain silent?
People who know me, or who first meet me and hear about my life with God, often have a hard time understanding what I mean when I say, “He speaks to me all of the time in ways that are so direct and supernatural, to not hear from Him feels very abnormal.”
I try and help them with this by sharing my life verse but unless their experience with God is the same, they really don’t know what I’m talking about.
But, some people do, and it is for them that I double post today.
I kid you not when I say, I had no sooner hit “publish” on this post about finding love, than an email from Oneplace Today arrived. One of the sermons offered was from Tony Evans about “Fasting For a Mate“.
I laughed so hard as I made my turkey and red pepper sandwich and dry mopped my hardwood floor.
And, Lord help me, if what Tony was blasting out in his usual, loud and not to be ignored way completely contradicted …
every
single
thing
I had just written.
So, aside from the fact that I ate my sandwich and a small kanelbulle instead of immediately abstaining from food, I heard from God and I know what I need to do.
*grinning/sobered*
Thank You, Lord.
*shaking head in wonder/awe*
I … I only have thanksgiving to offer you.
would the world really come to an end? would someone really die?
(these, the questions that popped up as I left my cozy bed to type today’s/tonight’s post)
no. not really. hardly.
(those, the answers to the first set of parenthetical questions).
but, then again, if it’s “no big deal” then it’s also not that big of a deal to do, yes?
It’s a subject line/blog title that hints at a story, yes? A tale you’ll read and learn about from a perspective not your own.
How first thoughts, first impressions are NOT wrong and how your thoughts can override your senses but, also, how your senses can override your thoughts.
Between where you were and where you are now, all kinds of microstories are writing themselves leave you, the reader, and me, the writer, waiting to see what happens on the next page.
And maybe from the reading of the thing, you’ll come away with ideas of your own and awarenesses you can apply across your own life.
Then again, sometimes the best stories are those that are the shortest.
All of the time we are coming together and falling apart. It’s a line, “coming together and falling apart“, I heard somewhere (although maybe not in that exact way) and it’s always stuck with me.
What is the steady and what is the constant (and if it’s not to your liking, how much of it can be changed, especially when compared to who you’ve been and what you’ve done in the memories of others)?
How does the fluidity form the ways you come together and fall apart?
I’m at that place, that point in life where it seems all that I see is a looking back. A bubbling up of reminders and things I had no idea I had forgotten and now, in the remembering of it, leave me appalled, sad, condemned, and despondent (especially when thinking about how they apply to the now and the next).
I’m on the other side, or getting really close to it; the next milestone my birthday will mark. And most of what flows out of me when thinking what “50” will be is a blank – or a slow asphyxiation – because of all the ways I came together when I was not 50 and all the ways those ways must, have to be, really freaking need to be, undone.
“But to deviate from the truth for the sake of some prospect of hope of our own can never be wise, however slight that deviation may be.
It is not our judgement of the situation which can show us what is wise, but only the truth of the Word of God.
Here alone lies the promise of God’s faithfulness and help.
It will always be true that the wisest course for the disciple is always to abide solely by the Word of God in all simplicity.”
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Tonight was “girl’s night” at the local pub. A group of 8 women who were looking to make new friends had come together to listen to another friend sing.
Talk – almost all done in Swedish (and of which I was comprehending about 80% of WITH answers of my own på svenska) – was varied and good.
Then, the drinks started taking effect. They loosened up. We moved inside the pub to order dinner. More drinks came. Music started.
That’s when the “secret side” of my beloved Swedes came out.
See, for all the stereotypes about how “cold” they can be or how “boxed in” they are with their written rules for behavior (seriously, they have them), once you put Swedes in front of music (and add a little alcohol) a whole ‘nuther side to them opens up.
They ALL know the words to the songs the band plays and they ALL belt them out at the top of their lungs. They clap, they stomp, they cheer, they drink a little more.
But, if you can catch them before they drink too much, and if you yourself are stone cold sober (I don’t drink), then you’ll not be able to do anything except grin and smile and shake your head in disbelief.
It’s happened a few times here for me; being invited to be part of a group of Swedish people when they go out to eat and drink and listen to a band. Every time, I feel so lucky and my love for these people and this culture grows. To see them celebrate life and love each other so openly and warmly makes my own heart sing.
The next day, should you happen to run into the very same people you saw dancing their butts off the night before, it’s entirely possible they will not acknowledge you, but don’t take it personally.
They’ve hidden their secret sides and will wait until the next Friday night singalong to let loose again.
It’s what I’m thinking – that you never really know something or someone, unless they take the time to tell you.
Everything else is just speculation from observations.
But, to really know, to have a depth of understanding, I think you need to first realize:
A) You’ll probably never know it all.
B) There will be people who knew before you and people who won’t know what you now know whom come after you.
C) You can’t let the not knowing keep you bogged down in guilt because that will prevent future knowing.
D) Once you do know, it’s hard to ever forget.
E) Sometimes, you can forget you know, but that’s not the same thing as not knowing at all.
F) It’s perfectly chill to decide you won’t know if knowing will bring harm to you and the peace of your soul (which isn’t the same as “denial”).
Last week I was doing research in preparation for a conference call. The call was going to surround benefit corporations and B Corp designated companies.
I stumbled upon a great phrase from Andrew Kassoy, co-founder of B Corporation, talking about the need to distinguish between “good businesses or good marketing“. Meaning, sometimes a slick website and great marcom could mislead people about how “good” a company actually was.
He mentioned that this had already been done within the sustainability movement and how people “greenwashed” things in order to make a buck.
As soon as I heard that, I thought, “Faith washed! That’s the same thing we do in the Christian/faith world! We slap a little ‘Jesus’ on it and call it ‘God/good’!”
I thought of the struggles I had when I worked for various ministries. Of how conflicted it was to be a thinking Christian. Of the tension between what my “brain” knew would “work” and what was the real, the true, the TRUTH.
I mention this not because I have a solution or a new way forward. I share this not because I no longer struggle with how to work or serve those who work with me.
No, I mention this because it brings to mind the conversation God and I had earlier about my writing ala “Louisa May Alcott”, and how easy it was for me to produce “Christian” content (which, up until now, I had very rarely done or submitted for publication because I couldn’t stomach the idea of FAITH WASHING my writing just to get money.
Intent.
It’s such a serious thing, don’t you think? The line between a holy and whole-hearted offering or the easily spit out words that would so easily “sell”. So, that leads me to this next part of my post.
Can I ask a favor of you guys? Really??
If you see or even suspect I’ve crossed the line and am “faith washing” stuff, will you rip into me and be like Cher’s character in the movie, Moonstruck?
I mean it. I don’t EVER want to be washed in anything other than the right and the true and the good.
Did you know that if I wrote every post that popped into my head, I’d rarely leave my keyboard?
Because,
all those things run through my head with such
that to look at me on the outside, you’d find it hard to believe. Because, even to me, it seems as if all I do is ever so much of nothing! And yet, my mind, my mind, it rarely stops.
Don’t believe me?
Take this, for instance:
BACKSTORY
It’s 1:44 pm right now. I didn’t get to sleep until after 3:00am and woke at noon. That I woke with a hope, a prayer, a GOAL of becoming more of what I’m not and less of what I am is something to ask you all to help me with (but that’s another series of posts – or one of the books).
Anyhoo, I’ve had my morning drinks and eaten two small cherry tomatoes. I’ve done a wee bit of housework and too much research into productivity, mental stamina, and endurance.
BUT … I did throw away (as in, open the bag and empty into the food recycling section so I wouldn’t be tempted to go back and eat them – you know you’ve done it, too.) the rest of the bag of chips that was the majority of last night’s dinner and I did cancel my Netflix subscription – again – as well as delete a Swedish tv app.
These little things are part of the “cleansing” stuff I know makes me better. Getting them to permanently “stick” or, rather, to permanently remove them from my life is yet another post/prayer request.
As the first half of my cup of coffee with milk and cinnamon started to kick in, I began to feel a bit … in need of shelter/protection/shielding. The sound of the neighborhood children’s voices as they happily jumped on the trampoline in the yard directly outside my open window had me so tense, I closed the window – not my normal reaction.
I needed a reset from God.
Realizing I had forgotten to read the Morning by Morning entry by Spurgeon along with the list of “I Am’s” found in Priscilla’s book, The Armor of God (study version), I got myself up off the sofa and walked the eight steps (I just got up to count) to my bedroom.
There, I sat myself down and picked up my books to begin my reset/pre-set rituals.
Sitting, watching, reflecting, suddenly names came to me and prayer and it’s power was strong. I welcomed the Holy Spirit. I lifted my prayers.
Smiling in thankfulness, I thought I was back on track. I talked a bit with God about His thoughts on my plans and ran through things with Him like …
I thought about Louisa May Alcott and how she churned out books and stories besides the Little Women stuff because she was desperate to provide for her family and writing both was her skill and one of the only things women in her position where allowed to do at the time.
I thought about all the things I could write and who I could write them for. I thought about how easy writing is for me. How it’s never been like what I read others writers say. (Which, probably says something about the quality of my own writing. Hah!).
THE POINT/EXAMPLE
So, all that is the backstory to the example I am going to give you about how many words and thoughts and things to be shared flood me all of the time.
And, as I sat on my fold-out bed/chair thing in my sweet little shelter of a bedroom, I had one of the funniest thing pop into my head.
Remember the American TV game show, $100,000 Dollar Pyramid? It was a game where two contestants sat facing each other and one of the contestants had a phrase they had to give clues about to the other. Using a series of words, the other contestant had to guess what that phrase was. If they guessed all the phrases correctly, (they were arranged in the style of a “pyramid”), they won $100,000!
Side Note: Just a few minutes earlier, after prayer and convo with God, I had started ruminating/worrying over my double chin. That lead to other thoughts and just like that, the funny thing came to me.
PICTURE THE SCENE: Two people playing $100,000 Dollar Pyramid.
Contestant #1 (Me): “Chin, breasts, stomach, a picture on a wall.”
Contestant #2 (My bff of 43 years): “Things that hang!”
That tiny little scene that came to me had me grinning and thinking about how funny I am (I laugh at my own jokes all of the time) and how I knew, automatically, that if given the clue words, Kristen would instantly guess the phrase.
And then right after the grinning about the idea, came the realization that these words, these thoughts, these ideas of mine? They probably generate from Him and it’s most likely because, when thinking about productivity, purpose, intent, ease, mission, ministry, LIFE … He’d like to see me share more of them, whether they’re imaginary game show scripts or something completely different.
Whether the words I share have value to anyone other than me as I try and obey God by sharing them? I don’t know. But, I thought I’d throw them out here anyway because, where else would they go????
Jesus and the Real Girl 